Wait, and then act

I have moved on from Not That Kind of Girl to Luce Irigaray's To Be Two. And, I think, I am at peace with moving on from my break-up with Princess. I keep thinking about something that Simone de Beauvoir said about women as immanent creatures and men are transcendent. Simply put, women wait and men act. I have been questioning whether or not I have been hiding behind this heart break of mine. I have been questioning why I clung to something that was never going to be. I have been growing tired of these questions, too.

Last week's entry was just a writing exercise born out of a conversation I had with a friend the night before. We spent most of the evening in a pretty intense conversation that I am happy to say ended well. I told her that I was going to meet with Princess. She has been hurting from her own break-up and she was quick to challenge my reasons and to foretell that the meeting would end badly. This hurt and I went to my corner. She went to her corner. Waiting. Over the next hour, we talked about how we are different, how the other can make us feel, how we are vulnerable to each other. I was very honored to have such a difficult conversation with my friend that took so much courage on both our parts. Transcendent.

The next night, I waited in a pub for Princess to arrive. We'd chosen to meet around 6:30 p.m. I was on time. He was late. I still cannot remember all the tiny details but I remember the most important things. I was tongue-tied. Just being across the table from him, I wanted to bargain, negotiate my way back in. He went first and said, "No." He was not changing his mind. He will not be my boyfriend. And he came to tell me in person so that we could stop with this conversation. He asked me if we could begin hanging out because he does consider me a friend but he doesn't want to have this conversation ever again.

And, what did I say? I did tell him that I was sorry that I did not listen to him from the beginning. I did tell him that I have been mad at him for saying he would not act on his feelings and then acting as if he did hold me above all others. I told him that I understood he had reasons to protect himself but I was hurt that those things mattered more to him than I do. We did laugh a little. At the end, he left me with half a beer. When he passed by I reached for his hand and he bent down to press his scruffy cheek next to mine.

My friend was right, the evening was painful but I am glad that I went through it. I still see his eyes. He was in pain because this was exactly what he'd hoped to avoid by taking this oath of bachelorhood. He was in pain because seeing me made him remember some good things too. That night, he did not deny that he may be making a big mistake walking away from a relationship with me, but it is his to make. Transcendent.