Falter

I question this blog's contribution to building the pedestal on which Princess stands. Am I allowing myself to think like a crushed school girl?

I did write the email that brought me to this corner. I have a position. I deserve to be a priority. Princess had so many other priorities than me. Supreme among them was protecting himself from anything that might divert him from his chosen path. His way is dark and lonely and requires all of his precious attention to maintain.

We spoke last night. I left him a message. He called me back. He was in Tribeca and had finished making orange juice as performance art. I was lying in bed with my dog perched on a mound of pillows just above my head and he was standing in the wind on a street corner. We spoke for a little over a half-hour. It started out harmless enough. He said he was good. I said I missed him. He asked why? I told him I wasn't going to get into an argument about why I missed him. In the end he just rasped that he missed me too.

I asked him why it was so easy for him to walk away? He said, to be frank, you just want me because you can't have me. And you knew that from the beginning. Stop acting like a little girl and be the woman that you are!

To which I said, Then, you were a little boy that first time we slept together and you told me what you wanted after. So, we're even.

He said it (letting me go) was very hard. He said I was beautiful, so,so,so beautiful. He said I was smarter than most he holds dear. He said that I deserve better than him. And he also said that he is ten times the man of most men, that most men aren't worth much.

We went back and forth a bit longer about whether or not I had really thought about what I would be signing up for with him. The most important thing he said was, "For the, what, MONTH, we were together, that's what you would get. That is how it is with me." I would be in for frustration and significant sacrifice. He would make goddamn sure of that.

I feel a tenderness and a yearning for him that I can only describe as love. And I may never understand why we met or how I could want to be a partner on that long, dark path with this man. Perhaps he is right, I am just indulging my crush like a school girl and I should be out there getting my brains fucked out of me. Or something like that is what he said.

Toward the end of our conversation he said that he may be making a huge mistake but he had to get off the phone. I let him go without protest and the line went dead.