Blameworthy

Last week, I went back to a book I bought in 2002 titled, Relational Autonomy. I opened it up to the chapter called, "Feeling Crazy: Self-Worth and the Social Character of Responsibility." In this chapter Paul Benson wrote:

"...that it is not reasonable to demand that someone participate in a certain type of relationship, when she has been made to feel so deeply that she is not worthy to engage in that relationship."

The chapter has been particularly comforting to me for two reasons. One, it fills my head with words that form thoughts which eventually lead to actions like writing here. This is comforting to me because through this process, I feel like I am heading toward greater understanding of a particular conflict I have relating to my personal responsibility. The second reason is the statement above tells me that this search for my relational self is not just pure vanity but has real implications for my ability to effect change in my life and otherwise. People spend a lot of time theorizing ways to explain "crazy" behavior in women. My crazy behavior will remain, for now, unspecified. My point is, that responsibility in our relationships as concept is important to a host of others besides me.

Recently, I had to end my participation in a romantic relationship (in fact the one that brought me to this corner in the first place) for what I believe is the final time. So, while I explained my position, I was conflicted because I so keenly aware that I had not been holding myself responsible as I held him responsible for the conditions under which we both engaged in our weird relationship. I have often said to my friends that his position of "not wanting to be a boyfriend" twisted me into knots emotionally. This position I took is a conflict for me because I willingly engaged in the emotional contortions, he didn't make me do anything. I experienced self-doubt, anxiety, and a lot of other negative emotions throughout the last seven months. I had hoped that he would change, and was bound by the belief that he held me above all others, as I held him above all others. When I could see that he would never share this romantic notion with me, I had to make a choice. I could let go of my belief that a romantic relationship is characterized by a principle idea of uniquely specialty. That your romantic interest cannot be reproduced or transferred to another and is de facto more important than all other non-romantic relationships. My other option was to relinquish my belief that he is that uniquely special one for me. I chose my romantic notions.

He spoke about the concept of relational self-worth, as highlighted above, in reference to my conceptualization and realization of romantic relationships in the first month we knew each other. He could see this conflict that I have with my romantic notions of true love and how I actually act in relationships like the moles on my face. Well, now I too am connecting the dots here. I deserve a lot more than he was willing to give me. I cannot blame him for my engagement in this weird relationship we shared over the last several months. So, I take back what I said! but I do not change my decision.